I am still here, still alive and well. It has been far too long since I last posted. The reasons are various. Mostly they revolve around time and energy, two things I perpetually lack. It has never been my intention to desert the blog, but getting myself to stop whatever else I am doing and try to commit my thoughts to cohesive sentences often feels like it will take more effort than I have.
As I think about this, I realize that in many areas of my life, I find myself taking the easy path when possible more than I really should. I know I will be happier if I push myself in whatever way needed but just can't bring myself to face the task or issue at hand. And many times, there are no immediate or significant repercussions to my inaction. One notable exception is dealing with finances. But in general, I am basically just wasting time. I almost hate to add that the fact that I have attention deficit disorder contributes as well. Ironically, it seems trite to use it as an "excuse", though I really do have difficulty focusing, especially for a sustained period of time, on any one activity or task, mostly in my personal life. At work I can focus more, maybe because my employment is dependent on it, maybe because I have fewer distractions than at home. But I'll throw it in the mix anyhow.
It's a ridiculous way to treat time, since I am acutely aware of the fact that none of us is guaranteed an abundance of time. I have been very fortunate that my cancer treatment has gone well enough that I can almost forget the seriousness of the situation. Even having, much less expressing that thought, would have been crazy to me before it was my life.
In May it will be 10 years since I was diagnosed And aside from being a Cancer Patient, I am healthier now than I was 10 years ago. In the past 3-4 years, I have lost over 100 lbs. The weight loss started when I was on the clinical trial in 2012, on a drug (Afintor) that ultimately did not help me, but which really decreased my appetite. I have periods of less appetite still, though not as significant as they were while on Afinitor. All of the drugs I have taken have also had diarrhea as a major side effect; for me, it has been most significant on my current drug treatment, Inlyta. My body reacts to various foods I eat, especially to meat, and to anything with a higher fat level. You may remember when foods with Olestra were popular; their popularity waned as people ran to the bathroom after eating foods with this fat substitute. I think my body's reaction to fat while on Inlyta is similar, in that shortly after having something high in fat, I need to be near a bathroom for quite a while. I do forget sometimes, and after I have eaten an offending item, my body reminds me. It's kind of a nice "aversion therapy" since I will often make different choices to avoid the bathroom.
But the weight loss has begotten more weight loss. As I've gotten a bit smaller, and have been able to SEE the weight loss on my body, I've been able to stop and look at my eating more consistently, which has helped me to make better food choices in general, and to recognize emotional triggers for me to overeat. Which is not to say that I am "cured" of overeating. No way... I can still eat without hunger even when I can identify the stressor that my brain has historically wanted to quell with food. However, sometimes I am able to stop the emotional "stuffing" sooner, and am able to talk myself out of overeating during some of my trigger times. Also, as I continue to lose weight, I definitely find it easier to move, While I still don't exercise consistently, I am certainly more active throughout my day.
So, lots to think and talk about above, as well as still unexpressed in my head. Over time, I intend to explore more of these topics and ideas here.