Sunday, September 26, 2010

Currently on break

... though it seems like I've been on break from this blog for a while.  I have wanted to write, but in fact have just been too tired.  My energy level picked up immensely once my increased dose of thyroid medication kicked in, but by the end of the day I am just worn out.  Toward the end of this Sutent cycle my digestive problems seemed to ease off, and my mouth sores never bloomed to full sores, which was a relief.  On the other hand, food just doesn't taste quite right while on the medication, my tongue is very sensitive to heat and spice, and water tastes funny.  That last one is bad, because I need to make sure I keep drinking my water.  My last pill of this cycle was Tuesday night, and as of this weekend my mouth felt much better.  We're having Carly's birthday party for the family next weekend, so the timing is perfect in terms of how I feel.  

We celebrated my forth-sixth birthday yesterday.  It started out like the usual Saturday, with running around to soccer games and dance lessons.  Jim and I had to split up this week because the girls' soccer games were at the same time.  I was with Becky and on our way to her dance class, we noticed that a local garden center was having a fall festival, with a number of activities including meeting some adoptable dogs and cats from the Animal Protective League.  We decided we'd stop at the festival after class, and I texted Jim to let him know what we were doing.  He and Carly were off on some birthday errands but joined us afterward.  The weather was cool and breezy but otherwise nice; the girls had fun with activities and games.  We picked out a couple of pumpkins for our front step and also bought some flower bulbs to plant for next spring.  It's been years since I've planted bulbs, and I don't think I have planted any since moving to our current house.  Last fall I wanted to plant some but didn't have the energy after my first two cycles of IL-2.  This year we're doing it though.  I really want to see some color in our yard in the spring.  We got some tulips, hyacinths and windflowers.  It should look nice, as long as the local critters don't dig up my bulbs.  I am not a natural gardener by any stretch but I do want to work on making our yard more beautiful... while at the same time not making a lot of work for myself.  In the spring I hope to pick out some perennials to add to the color-fest.

Another reason I haven't written recently is that I just don't know how to describe my feelings right now.  My last post touched on it, but there's more under the surface that I find hard putting to words.  Part of it is an increased sense of my own mortality, for sure.  Also, I feel that my faith has been shaken by the progression of the cancer.  It's impossible for me to understand how my loving God would be okay with me dying while trying to raise young daughters, children who I wanted for so long and whose lives I thrive on being part of.  Funnily enough, I am going to mass now, where I didn't much during the spring and summer, mainly because Carly has Sunday School during mass which gives me the push to go.  While I am there, I talk to God and ask him to please let me have more time with my family, so that I can be with them and they don't have to function without me.  I know many people can rationalize all of this, but I'm having a hard time with it right now.

I also ask God to help Jim in his job search.  There has just been so little out there to even apply for.  He did get a call based on a resume he'd sent out a while back, and had a terrific phone interview.  They had him come in the next day for an in-person interview and he could tell it wasn't going to work out, based on the questions the second person in the interview asked.  Sure enough, he got a rejection letter this week.  He said that the experience wasn't a loss, since interviews are always good experience, but he's really tired of looking.  And it seems that everyone wants some experience or certification that he just hasn't gotten, or gotten to.  Very depressing.  He'd like to do something else that he would enjoy, and I'm all for that, regardless of what the salary level would be.  Unfortunately, neither of us knows what that would be.


Anonymous said...

Hi Liz, I don't post much at Yahoo groups, but I want you to know you are on my mind. I am impressed at your strength. The things you wrote in your blog make perfect sense to me. Sending PVs and prayers.
Carol B.

Barbara said...

Hang in there, Liz. You are truly an inspiration. Continued PVs for you and so that Jim finds something soon!

Helena Britsch said...

Don't dwell on how long Liz, just enjoy each day with your wonderful girls, thye are very special and they will always be strong in life.

minnie said...

I have no breezy upbeat comment at present and I don't think it would help much. You are very brave to share your feelings because sometimes talking about our fears makes us so vulnerable, or at least that's how I feel. I know its not supposed to be like that,"sharing is caring" and all that but if you are a private person as you seem to be, I think you are the bravest person I know. and if you can't pray right now, know that sometimes the prayers of others can help a little in a difficult time. You are in my heart and in my prayers. much love, Minnie