So I joined NaBloPoMo. I like the idea of pledging to post daily, to get me to actually DO it rather than make excuses that I'm too tired, too scattered, too whatever. This isn't the first time I have thought about joining NaBloPoMo but is the first time I have remembered it at the actual beginning of a calendar month. They don't forbid bloggers from enrolling mid-month, but I'm just compulsive enough to have to do it the "right" way. So here goes, the first of hopefully at least 31 days in a row of posts.
Let's start with my latest health update, since that's one of my recurring themes here and elsewhere. On Monday I had a consult with my gynecologist about the ovarian mass that isn't shrinking. She went over my recent history with me, beginning with an ultrasound she performed in the spring of 2009 for other reasons, but during which, nothing unusual in the area of the ovary was detected. In April I had a clean CT scan, but by July this thing had appeared, along with the 'spots' in my liver. Those spots seem to have responded to the IL-2 while my ovarian friend has actually grown, and apparently has picked up a new friend, according to the last CT, which noted a second lesion on the uterus. ??? She and I discussed what plan of action makes most sense at this point. A biopsy seems like a waste of time, since whatever is in there, needs to come out; she and I agreed about that. Besides, a biopsy can have misleading results, whereas they can do better pathology on the whole mass. Dr. Rini is convinced that ths mass is not RCC since it has not responded to IL-2 in the same way as the other lesions. If he's right, then what is it? We don't know right now and none of my medical professionals has offered an opinion, not that I have asked. I have already given some thought to the fact that it could be ovarian cancer, or another cancer; unfair though it seems, it is possible for people to have multiple cancers, not only within their lifetime but sometimes at the same time.
After we talked, the gyn took the information and hunted down a gyn-oncologist on the floor, to get his opinion. He wanted to know if I was willing to have surgery, rather than a biopsy... great minds think alike, I guess. She told him I was, and he asked for me to set up an appointment for a consult at his next available clinic day, which is July 12. He told my gyn that he believes these masses ARE RCC, because he has seen RCC metastasize to this area of the body before. So now in my head I picture these two doctors in a battle of the Pathologies... who will be the victor? Of course in my fantasy, the masses turn out to be benign, though in reality I know that's not really likely.
So again I wait... get a little bit of information, and wait for the next step. I am so not looking forward to another abdominal surgery, even though he does these procedures laparascopically. I assume that I will have to stay at least one night in the hospital, which I dread, but I know it's necessary so I will get through it as I always have. The girls do not know about this surgery yet; we are not going to tell them until we know when it will be, and even then, I think we will wait to tell them until close to the actual day, so that they don't have to feel the all too familiar upset about Mommy for any longer than necessary.
Lately Carly has death on her mind as a topic. It's probably just a stage of her development, but the timing feels weird to me. The other day she asked me if Jim and I would be dead before she is big. I told her that I hope not, that I plan to be here for a while yet. That answer seemed to satisfy her. Then last night after her bath, she asked me if she will die some day. I explained that we all will die some day; she asked if she could live forever, and I very lightly told her no. But, I said, we want to life a long and healthy life, so that's why we try to eat healthy foods, and get exercise... like a walk around the block I was able to persuade everyone to take that evening. I told her that our doctors try to fix us up if we have anything wrong. How do they know something is wrong? - she wanted to know. I said, well, when we don't feel well, they figure out why. Like when Mommy had blood in her pee, and the doctor figured out that it was because of Mommy's kidney and took it out. Again, Carly accepted that answer as what she needed to hear, and changed the subject.
It's important to me to not make any promises to the girls, to tell them that I promise not to die. If something does happen to me while they are young, I don't want them to remember some promise and feel the ultimate betrayal by their mommy. On the other hand, I try to keep conversations about my cancer minimal and light; they both know I have cancer, but both see me living life fully and seem to believe that cancer is something families can live with.
What a shitty lesson for little girls to have to learn, eh?