Sunday, January 11, 2009

Another fun filled week ahead

Oh joy... tomorrow I have a double header... my first "annual" physical in a couple of years, followed by the CT scan Dr. Rini ordered. I'll see him on Thursday, when my immediate fate will be decided. Some of the possibilities:

1) The mass found in November is now better positioned for cryoablation; if they are able to get to it to biopsy and possibly freeze it without damaging the bowel, then that may be the next step.

2) However, if the CT shows additional lesions, this will mean no cyroablation, and will progress me to systemic therapy.

3) The mass could be just where it was before but no bigger, in which case we'll take a wait-and-see approach. In other words, prolonging the suspense.

4) The mass could be smaller or non-existent now. Okay, so this is by far the least likely scenario, but you never know... and I did go to the healing service last week. Anything is possible.

I have no "gut feel" for what will happen next. Hopefully my next steps won't involve time away from work. It is an absolute zoo there right now; I spend my days flipping from project to project, request to request, fire to fire. Every night I bring work home and every morning I lug it back to work untouched. I know deep down that I won't get to it at home, but it somehow makes me feel less helpless to bring the papers home. But even more importantly, I would hate to miss work because it looks like my friend/supervisor Deb will be having neurosurgery soon. I'll post an update when I know more about her situation, as she will happily accept all of your prayers and positive vibes too.

Last week I tried to re-focus on feeling in control, of my eating and, really, of other areas of my life. I have a couple of affirmations that I have posted around my house, car, and work computer (though strangely not at the computer I'm currently sitting at, so I'll need to fix that). The words I am constantly reminding myself these days are:

I am in control of my choices.

I am strong.

Very basic ideas, no? But often times I forget that both of these statements are true. There is so much that I (all of us actually) have no control over, that I forget that I can make decisions that influence my path. I can't make cancer not be in my body. Well, I do work on visualizations that tell my body to kill the evil cells for once and for all. But if that doesn't work... anyhow, I can choose to try to fight that way. I can choose to try to eat better, which is a constant struggle but seems to be getting a bit better over time. Proof for me that my choices are getting better, comes in the form of a slightly lower number on the scale this morning. I'm inching toward the low weight I saw right after Carly was born - that will be a true milestone for me but I have a way to go. And that is okay. I'm finally starting to internalize my ability to choose what is healthier and not to just follow the seemingly easier path of overeating unhealthy food. And I am kinder to myself than I used to be. If I make a "bad" choice, so be it; I can choose again next time. On Friday night I took the girls out for supper. We'd gotten home super late, thanks to the snowstorm that hit prior to afternoon rush hour. I had to call on my sister-in-law to pick them up because I was stuck in traffic and Jim was stuck in the server room at work. Once we got in the door, I just did not feel like cooking so the three of us made our way to Friendly's. I realized I was not really enjoying my meal. It wasn't nasty, but more... tasteless. Wow. Maybe my mouth is getting used to fresh, healthy food; could it be? My meal came with fries, which are usually pretty good there. I just couldn't eat very many of them, when in the past I would have continued to munch on them until they were gone. We brought leftovers home but probably we won't eat them, which is fine with me. It's a new but becoming more regular experience for me to not feel stuffed after a meal, to not keep craving more food, even when the situation gives me the ability to keep going (like a family-style meal, buffet, food left out at work). This didn't happen in the past - I would look at the food sitting out and crave it, like "something bad" would happen if I didn't eat as much of it as I could. That feeling has subsided for the most part. I am still able to (and do) overeat at times, but not to the feeling of discomfort like I used to. Am I "cured" of it? I'm certain I'm not, and that there will be setbacks. The difference this time is that I'm okay with that. I'm not expecting perfection from myself and I want to keep trying, rather than giving up when it gets tough.

So, I also remind myself that I am strong. I've heard this a lot from people I know, mainly in connection with my cancer experience. Part of me appreciates what people are saying to me. The other part says, I don't have another choice. I want to live a long life! There are two small girls who shouldn't be deprived of their mommy to consider. And a husband who shouldn't have to face his own hurdles alone. Then there are the other family members and friends, whose lives I want to remain an active part of. So, I am strong for myself, and and for all of them. I do understand that not everyone can feel this strength; I get that the battle is just too much for them to face. But at least for right now, it feels to me that toughing it out and working through each day and each challenge is the only way I can do it.

And just when I'm full of my profound thoughts about choices, change, strength, etc. real life comes along and kicks my butt. Or tonight, socks me in the eye. I was showing the girls a cute animal video when I had to take a tube away from Carly, who was wielding it like a sword while sitting on my lap in front of the computer. She threw her fist back to try to catch the tube as I took it, and WHAM... a direct hit to my right eyeball. I saw stars, and nothing else at first. Becky got me the "boo boo bear" from the freezer and my eye feels better now, but it will be interesting to see if it looks any different tomorrow.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

Oh..I hope you don't have a black eye!

Being kind to ourselves is so often overlooked. I'll be thinking of you this week!