Saturday, July 21, 2007

Nervous anticipation

Next Tuesday (7/24) I have my next CT scan, along with some blood work. It's been a year since I saw the oncologist, so I have an appointment with him for the next afternoon. At that appt I will get my CT results. Jim will be coming with me; he wasn't able to accompany me the first/last time I saw Dr. R and I have felt bad about that since then.

I have no reason to feel like I will get bad news at this appointment but I am still scared witless. My mind has been going into the dark place where the cancer is back and I have to go on treatment. If it comes to that, I will do whatever treatment we decide is best, but I know that there is no definitive treatment for advanced kidney cancer. This has me very worried and sad. I even told Jim the other day that if we get bad news, I am considering pre-arranging my funeral. I know, I know, very morbid and really jumping the gun here. But I also know that if it came to that, I would want to make sure I eased Jim's burden some. The thought of leaving him and the girls makes me want to weep, and I do sometimes. It's ridiculous in a way, because I very well could be told that everything is status quo and be able to go along on my merry way. But until I hear that, I can't be sure and I can't rest easy.

It's a weird place to be in; I don't have cancer, so I don't feel like going to a cancer support group would be the right thing. Sometimes I confide in Jim but that isn't fair to him; he has his own worries about my health. Where is the support group for people who used to have cancer but don't now and are scared they might get it again?

This sucks and I hope nobody I know has to go through this in the future.

On Friday, I have another event that brings up nerves of a different kind. I'm having lunch with one or maybe two high school classmates, whom I haven't seen in at least 15 years. One of our classmates sent an email around asking if there was any interest in getting together somewhere for an informal 25th reunion. I responded to her message and we've been talking via email for the past week. We were in very different groups in HS; she was always nice to me but we didn't spend time together. She was always very friendly and that trait has continued, so lunch with her should be fun. Of course, I wish I wasn't at my highest weight ever, but I don't think I can lose ____ pounds by next Friday. Ah well, I am who I am and that will be fine.

1 comment:

Regina said...

My mom's hospital has a support group of current AND former cancer patients - they call it the "1 in 8" group - and they do a lot of activities together. Mom gets SOOO much support from this group - and she has had clear scans for 6 years now. I wish EVERYONE could get into a group like this. I have attended a few events with them, and my sisters have as well - and they are support with a capital "S"...

email when you need to - I don't know what you are going through firsthand - but will support as I can...

Hugs and PV's for clear scans!