Thursday, June 08, 2006

Bad news

Had my scans last week - abdominal CT and chest xray. Had behind me lots of "clear scan" PVs.

Well, the scans were not clear, dammit.

The CT showed a couple of lymph nodes that looked off (I forget the exact term). The dr. said that happens a lot post surgery. Normally he wouldn't think twice about it, but with the aggressive nature of the tumor he removed last year, he wants to watch them. So I have to have another CT scan in3 months instead of 6 or 12.The bigger problem to me was on my chest xray. It showed some sort of"nodule" on my left lower lung. Dr. said xray is not very accurate so he wanted me to get a chest CT and consult with an oncologist so we can see what it is or isn't. They were able to squeeze me in for theCT that evening and got me an appointment for the oncologist the next morning. I started crying in my dr.'s office, naturally. He consoled me by saying that 1) he doesn't see cancer, tumors,etc in the kidney area, which is good, and 2) it's likely nothing but he just wants to make sure. I had brought him new pics of Carly and he told me helooks forward to me giving him her college graduation photo. :-)

Fast forward to the next morning. What a day... I was at the hospital until 11, went to work, ate quickand caught up on emails and voice mails, and then was in meetings from1-4.The news is unfortunately not good, though still not certain. I met Dr. Rini and he was very nice, as well as extremely professional and knowledgeable. He told me that it's likely that both spots are malignant, given the aggressiveness of the original tumor, and the fact that the tumor, while confined to the kidney, had invaded the main blood vessel. The lymph node is too deep to get to, but sometime next week they will biopsy the lung. There is still a small chance that it is just a calcification left over from an infection, but Dr.Rini doesn't think so.I f it is malignant then I get to enter Chemo-world. I know a little about it from what I have read, but don't really feel like thinking about it right now. :-) There is plenty of time to learn about it. I have decided that I will treat whatever I have as aggressively as possible because I have things to do, dammit. Mostly watch two babies grow up. That is what is breaking my heart the most... the thought of leaving my two precious girls. I feel bad for Jim too of course but in a different way; he would be very sad to lose me but would at least understand it as well as anyone can understand death. Anyhow, it's my hope that I'll be one of those long term survivors. Dr. R couldn't give me any kind of prognosis at this point, but did say that the fact that I am young and otherwise healthy works in my favor. No kidding on that... they sent me for bloodwork. In the lab I could hear the techs verifying other patients' dates of birth (one of those JCAHO things they have to do to not make mistakes). I was the youngest person there by about 18 years. Dr. R. also noted that this is the "best" point to be finding this cancer if itis to be found at all. I like to think that the fact that it's in only two places is a good thing too, all things considered.

So I get to "enjoy" a roller coaster of emotions, lucky me. This really really really sucks. I will go through anything I have to if it will give me more good time with my family and friends. But why???? did this happen? I know there are no answers but it still makes me sooo angry. Jim and I are in a really good place right now, better than we've been in a long time. The girls are so wonderful and so much fun; I want to enjoy our summer together. WAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, will update when I know more.


Jacqueline said...


This *does* suck. You know we are all here for you. ~~ Jacqui

Natalie said...

I'm sorry it wasn't more encouraging, but I'm sending hugs, prayers, PVs and all that good stuff for better news after next week, and especially for your doctor's wish - that you are able to share Carly's graduation pictures with him - to come true.