Wednesday, May 10, 2006

An anniversary of sorts

A year ago last week (5/10), I lost my kidney. The past 12 months have been a blur, between the kidney, pregnancy and birth of Carly. It was a strange time; I wasn't officially diagnosed with cancer until it was out of my body. I have done some reading on Renal Cell Carcinoma, and I joined the Kidney Cancer Association. But I've found that I don't want to know too much at this point. I joined an online support group, but went to no-mail status quickly, as I realized that the members of the group were mostly people being actively treated for metastatic disease. Reading their stories freaked me out from the perspective that I felt like the more I knew about what they were going through, the more I felt their experience was going to be my destiny as well. I also attended a local meeting where a doctor from Cleveland Clinic discussed recent drug breakthroughs for RCC. The information he presented was very interesting but again, I felt like I didn't belong there. I'm in what feels to me like a cancer no man's land. I am not being treated but yet I had it, and have to watch and hope it doesn't come back. I don't feel like a "cancer survivor" since the whole experience went by so quickly. Yet I am one.
My next scans are scheduled for 6/2 and I see my doctor on 6/7. I have been debating bringing Carly with me to the appt. She is just so cute these days, clearly healthy and happy, and I know it would bring my surgeon joy to see her. However, the only way it would work to bring her would be if I also brought Becky. That would be fine; I know she'd love to come. But what if the news for me is bad? I don't want her to hear it or to see my reaction to it. I have no reason to believe that I won't get good news. But you never know. A good friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer yesterday so that has shook me too. I need to discuss this further with Jim before I decide.


Sarah said...

Liz, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's diagnosis. Best wishes for her and for you that your scans show you are still cancer-free!

Natalie said...

I'll be thinking of you, Liz, and hoping you get the thumbs up and all clear dx from your doctor.